Last words?

It's 3am and I haven't closed my eyes tonight even though I have been lying here for hours. The TV is on, it's never off,but I couldn't tell you anything it's images or sounds emitted. What's in my mind doesn't keep me awake. What's going to happen tomorrow I am not concerned about because like everyone else, I have no control of that. I do know that my mind won't let me forget things I want to forget. I know that even when I try, I cannot seem to fit in. I don't know why, I just know I can't. I don't mean to, but I shut people out and shut them down if they try to get in. I know they aren't judging me, because I've done nothing to be judged for as far as they know. I know that I judge myself and rather harshly. Not so much for something I have done, but for the things I am unable to do now. My thoughts do get twisted and I often twist reality into chaos. This bothers me, because I am smart enough to know that I am a normal person who should be thankful for my wife, kids,family and all the other “Good”things in my life, yet I sit here in a state of pity...shrunken inside....displaced in society. I don't know why! I suppose this is my attempt to explain or even justify why I am doing this. I know it seems selfish because I am doing this to escape the pains and confusion. Ironically, the ones I love and leave, I leave in pain and confusion. There is no one to fault, nor is there any one reason. If there were then I would not do this. May God have mercy on me and forgive me for all I have done, and am doing now. May God give those in my life a sense of understanding that this is for the best for all concerned.

This my last words......A Veteran, a Son, a Father, a Husband, a Friend